So, I’m going back into the music school, as a classical piano major. I really feel like this is what I’m being guided to do right now, and that it doesn’t necessarily exclude my other plans, which I can do after college after I discern for a while.
I had been running into a lot of people who kept saying I should go down and practice, and I kept avoiding it, because I didn’t want to find out I had forgotten everything. Last Thursday, though, I ran into the lady who had interviewed me for the music school.
We were having RCIA in the chapel, led by the regular pianist for the mass. Afterwards, I met that lady who had interviewed me, and she asked how things were going, and I eventually had to say I had transferred out.
Of course, she was disappointed, and said I should definitely keep up with it because of how good she thinks I am at it. She then told that pianist that I played the piano, and he said I should stop by sometime and maybe think about playing for the mass or something.
Anyway, I went on as if nothing had happened. Eventually I went to Bible study that night, which I go to every Thursday.
We go over the gospel that will be read in mass that Sunday, and so we went over this reading, about the servants receiving talents.
When the two leaders of the study were discussing it before we split off into groups, it really hit me: I really felt like that servant who had simply buried his talent because he was too afraid to try to do anything with it. I made up all sorts of excuses, such as one couldn’t be very successful being a pianist, or it was too inaccessible because I couldn’t read sheet music, or I couldn’t be better than those people who have practiced hours a day since they were a kid, and so shouldn’t even try. I did try for a while, practicing insane hours a day without trying to gradually increase the time, and then I started to resent even the thought of it, which is about the time I quit.
At that moment that I realized this, I felt so incredibly stupid for doing that. I told Father Ray about it when we split up into groups (he was in my group), and we had an excellent discussion about it. I felt so incredibly lucid at that moment, because I felt like that gospel passage was speaking directly to me.
So I really thought about giving it another chance. I really feel like I’m in a better position now to do better with it. I can trust in God more so, and I think music will provide a way to connect with Him more, and to glorify Him. I realized after this semester that I can’t be the best at everything, and I can’t be perfect. I really think this semester has humbled me a lot, because I’m doing absolutely horribly at physics, and not too much better at chemistry.
Perhaps I can focus more on the music, rather than on myself. Perhaps I can focus more on the source of my gift, and praise Him for it instead of congratulating myself.
Still, I had forgotten a lot, which was really discouraging. I forgot all but a few measures of the piano concerto, of which I had learned the entire first movement (about 24 pages) over the summer. That most beautiful of pieces I had totally forgotten, somehow. Same goes for the Brahms Rhapsody, and basically every other piece I learned last semester.
So I’m trying to relearn a few things now, especially the piano concerto, and Brahms, and whatever else my piano teacher assigns me; she always assigns something, and so it was no surprise she wanted to do so after I told her I was coming back to the music school. It is so discouraging that I had forgotten all of this, and makes me feel even more stupid, as I had really been getting better at the concerto.
I’m going to go back to the music school. However, I’m going to try to keep my enjoyment of it, and not worry so much about trying to be perfect. I’ll gradually work up my practicing time, but still keep it somewhat reasonable.
I don’t think it will necessarily conflict with the other calling I felt like I was receiving, which was also very real to me. I have no idea how it will work out yet, but I figure I’ll leave it all up to God, as obviously He has a plan, and I’m not yet able to figure it out. If I feel like entering seminary or religious life after college, so be it. If I feel like simply joining a rule of life as I’m discerning now, and doing something with the piano, so be it. If I can somehow do a bit of both, then so be it. May God’s will be done, and may I unhesitatingly follow it always.
Either way, I’m coming back to my love of 15 years: classical piano.
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I was shocked about that.