Blog of the Perpetual Seeker

So, I’m going back into the music school, as a classical piano major. I really feel like this is what I’m being guided to do right now, and that it doesn’t necessarily exclude my other plans, which I can do after college after I discern for a while.

I had been running into a lot of people who kept saying I should go down and practice, and I kept avoiding it, because I didn’t want to find out I had forgotten everything. Last Thursday, though, I ran into the lady who had interviewed me for the music school.

We were having RCIA in the chapel, led by the regular pianist for the mass. Afterwards, I met that lady who had interviewed me, and she asked how things were going, and I eventually had to say I had transferred out.

Of course, she was disappointed, and said I should definitely keep up with it because of how good she thinks I am at it. She then told that pianist that I played the piano, and he said I should stop by sometime and maybe think about playing for the mass or something.

Anyway, I went on as if nothing had happened. Eventually I went to Bible study that night, which I go to every Thursday.

We go over the gospel that will be read in mass that Sunday, and so we went over this reading, about the servants receiving talents.

When the two leaders of the study were discussing it before we split off into groups, it really hit me: I really felt like that servant who had simply buried his talent because he was too afraid to try to do anything with it. I made up all sorts of excuses, such as one couldn’t be very successful being a pianist, or it was too inaccessible because I couldn’t read sheet music, or I couldn’t be better than those people who have practiced hours a day since they were a kid, and so shouldn’t even try. I did try for a while, practicing insane hours a day without trying to gradually increase the time, and then I started to resent even the thought of it, which is about the time I quit.

At that moment that I realized this, I felt so incredibly stupid for doing that. I told Father Ray about it when we split up into groups (he was in my group), and we had an excellent discussion about it. I felt so incredibly lucid at that moment, because I felt like that gospel passage was speaking directly to me.

So I really thought about giving it another chance. I really feel like I’m in a better position now to do better with it. I can trust in God more so, and I think music will provide a way to connect with Him more, and to glorify Him. I realized after this semester that I can’t be the best at everything, and I can’t be perfect. I really think this semester has humbled me a lot, because I’m doing absolutely horribly at physics, and not too much better at chemistry.

Perhaps I can focus more on the music, rather than on myself. Perhaps I can focus more on the source of my gift, and praise Him for it instead of congratulating myself.

Still, I had forgotten a lot, which was really discouraging. I forgot all but a few measures of the piano concerto, of which I had learned the entire first movement (about 24 pages) over the summer. That most beautiful of pieces I had totally forgotten, somehow. Same goes for the Brahms Rhapsody, and basically every other piece I learned last semester.

So I’m trying to relearn a few things now, especially the piano concerto, and Brahms, and whatever else my piano teacher assigns me; she always assigns something, and so it was no surprise she wanted to do so after I told her I was coming back to the music school. It is so discouraging that I had forgotten all of this, and makes me feel even more stupid, as I had really been getting better at the concerto.

I’m going to go back to the music school. However, I’m going to try to keep my enjoyment of it, and not worry so much about trying to be perfect. I’ll gradually work up my practicing time, but still keep it somewhat reasonable.

I don’t think it will necessarily conflict with the other calling I felt like I was receiving, which was also very real to me. I have no idea how it will work out yet, but I figure I’ll leave it all up to God, as obviously He has a plan, and I’m not yet able to figure it out. If I feel like entering seminary or religious life after college, so be it. If I feel like simply joining a rule of life as I’m discerning now, and doing something with the piano, so be it. If I can somehow do a bit of both, then so be it. May God’s will be done, and may I unhesitatingly follow it always.

Either way, I’m coming back to my love of 15 years: classical piano.

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Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Luke 17:11-19

This is the story of Jesus healing the ten lepers, and only one of them coming back to thank and praise Jesus. Jesus told this leper that his faith had saved him.

The lepers had been part of a miracle: they had all been healed. However, only one of them gave credit to God, to whom all credit was due. Even more, this man was a Samaritan, a foreigner, whom the Jews hated, and viewed as unholy. Yet, it was this Samaritan who gave thanks to God for what had happened to him, as he realized that it is never because of our own merits that we are blessed, but only from the grace of God.

The lepers were viewed as impure and unclean. They could not mingle with the rest of society, and had to warn people of their impurity. By healing them, Jesus effectively restored them into society, taking away their impurity. Yet, it was not because of their merits that they were healed from impurity, but from God’s grace. Only one of them realized this, and Jesus further told this man that his faith had saved him.

I view this in two respects. The first is that only through God’s grace can we improve, overcoming our sins. Only through His grace can we be picked up after each time we fall. Only through His grace can we be cleansed of our impurity and be brought into the community of the Church. Those who humble themselves and give thanks to God for His grace receive it all the more because of their faith.

In a second sense, though, this can be applied to all good things in our lives. We should give thanks to God for all the blessings we receive, and for the strength we are given in order to overcome trials. We should recognize that all things work for good (Romans 8:28), and give thanks to God for working in our lives. Perhaps it is good to recognize all the blessings we have every day, and give God thanks for them.

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Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Titus 3:1-7

This is a reminder of how to act. It reminds us to be good citizens, being obedient to authorities. It also reminds us how to treat others.

We “are to slander no one, to be peaceable, considerate, exercising all graciousness toward everyone.” (Titus 3:2)

Isn’t that difficult! It’s easy to be nice to people that we like, but so hard to be peaceable, considerate, and gracious to people we don’t like. I can think of several people right now that I have trouble treating in this manner.

Why is it so? I think it is because of pride. Verse 3 says that we were once just like those people that we may dislike. We were once of the world, acting just like those caught in the world and its temptations would act. Maybe we are still struggling with that.

What changed? What helped us to improve, or is still helping us to improve? What lifts us back up after we fall, which we all do from time to time? It is the “kindness and generous love of God our savior.” (Titus 3:4) That is, God’s grace.

We receive God’s grace not from our own deeds, as none of us deserve it, but because of His mercy. (Titus 3:5)

It is the “bath of rebirth.” We are totally washed clean, renewed by the Holy Spirit. We receive His grace through the sacraments, helping us to draw closer to Him. In short, we are justified by His grace. (Titus 3:7)

So, is it no wonder that other people may still be diluted, foolish, disobedient, slaves to their desires? Do not we fight the very same battle? It is pride, because we think ourselves better than they are, when it is only through God’s grace that we have the strength to fight against these sins and have hope of eternal life. It’s foolish to think it is because of our own deeds that we have progressed at all.

So, we must humble ourselves, thanking God for His blessings and grace, and wishing the same for others, even those we despise.

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The other day, I was discussing the 6 precepts of the Church, because someone said he didn’t believe in going to confession, and clearly, according to the precepts, Catholics are required to go to confession.

Then, someone else said that Canon Law didn’t have such requirements, and that the Catechism and Canon Law disagreed on such points. I didn’t have enough knowledge on the matter to respond, but now I’ve researched, and discovered each precept does come directly from Canon Law.

I will be discussing the precepts, as found in the Catechism of the Catholic Church, in CCC. 2041-2043, and where they are found in Canon Law.

CCC. 2041 What are the Precepts?

2041 The precepts of the Church are set in the context of a moral life bound to and nourished by liturgical life. the obligatory character of these positive laws decreed by the pastoral authorities is meant to guarantee to the faithful the indispensable minimum in the spirit of prayer and moral effort, in the growth in love of God and neighbor:

CCC. 2042: Precepts 1-3

The First Precept

From the Catechism

2042 The first precept (”You shall attend Mass on Sundays and holy days of obligation.”) requires the faithful to participate in the Eucharistic celebration when the Christian community gathers together on the day commemorating the Resurrection of the Lord.

From the Canon: Cann. 1246-1248

Can. 1246 §1. Sunday, on which by apostolic tradition the paschal mystery is celebrated, must be observed in the universal Church as the primordial holy day of obligation. The following days must also be observed: the Nativity of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Epiphany, the Ascension, the Body and Blood of Christ, Holy Mary the Mother of God, her Immaculate Conception, her Assumption, Saint Joseph, Saint Peter and Saint Paul the Apostles, and All Saints.

§2. With the prior approval of the Apostolic See, however, the conference of bishops can suppress some of the holy days of obligation or transfer them to a Sunday.

Can. 1247 On Sundays and other holy days of obligation, the faithful are obliged to participate in the Mass.

Moreover, they are to abstain from those works and aVairs which hinder the worship to be rendered to God, the joy proper to the Lord’s day, or the suitable relaxation of mind and body.

Can. 1248 §1. A person who assists at a Mass celebrated anywhere in a Catholic rite either on the feast day itself or in the evening of the preceding day satisfies the obligation of participating in the Mass.

§2. If participation in the eucharistic celebration becomes impossible because of the absence of a sacred minister or for another grave cause, it is strongly recommended that the faithful take part in a liturgy of the word if such a liturgy is celebrated in a parish church or other sacred place according to the prescripts of the diocesan bishop or that they devote themselves to prayer for a suitable time alone, as a family, or, as the occasion permits, in groups of families.

The Second Precept

From the Catechism

The second precept (”You shall confess your sins at least once a year.”) ensures preparation for the Eucharist by the reception of the sacrament of reconciliation, which continues Baptism’s work of conversion and forgiveness.

From the Canon: Can. 989

Can. 989 After having reached the age of discretion, each member of the faithful is obliged to confess faithfully his or her grave sins at least once a year.

The Third Precept

From the Catechism

The third precept (”You shall humbly receive your Creator in Holy Communion at least during the Easter season.”) guarantees as a minimum the reception of the Lord’s Body and Blood in connection with the Paschal feasts, the origin and center of the Christian liturgy.

From the Canon: Can. 920

Can. 920 §1. After being initiated into the Most Holy Eucharist, each of the faithful is obliged to receive holy communion at least once a year.

§2. This precept must be fulfilled during the Easter season unless it is fulfilled for a just cause at another time during the year.

CCC. 2043: Precepts 4-6

The Fourth Precept

From the Catechism

2043 The fourth precept (”You shall keep holy the holy days of obligation.”) completes the Sunday observance by participation in the principal liturgical feasts which honor the mysteries of the Lord, the Virgin Mary, and the saints.

From the Canon: Can. 1246

Can. 1246 §1. Sunday, on which by apostolic tradition the paschal mystery is celebrated, must be observed in the universal Church as the primordial holy day of obligation. The following days must also be observed: the Nativity of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Epiphany, the Ascension, the Body and Blood of Christ, Holy Mary the Mother of God, her Immaculate Conception, her Assumption, Saint Joseph, Saint Peter and Saint Paul the Apostles, and All Saints.

§2. With the prior approval of the Apostolic See, however, the conference of bishops can suppress some of the holy days of obligation or transfer them to a Sunday.

The Fifth Precept

From the Catechism

The fifth precept (”You shall observe the prescribed days of fasting and abstinence.”) ensures the times of ascesis and penance which prepare us for the liturgical feasts; they help us acquire mastery over our instincts and freedom of heart.

From the Canon: Cann. 1249-1251

Can. 1249 The divine law binds all the Christian faithful to do penance each in his or her own way. In order for all to be united among themselves by some common observance of penance, however, penitential days are prescribed on which the Christian faithful devote themselves in a special way to prayer, perform works of piety and charity, and deny themselves by fulfilling their own obligations more faithfully and especially by observing fast and abstinence, according to the norm of the following canons.

Can. 1250 The penitential days and times in the universal Church are every Friday of the whole year and the season of Lent.

Can. 1251 Abstinence from meat, or from some other food as determined by the Episcopal Conference, is to be observed on all Fridays, unless a solemnity should fall on a Friday. Abstinence and fasting are to be observed on Ash Wednesday and Good Friday.

The Sixth Precept

From the Catechism

The faithful also have the duty of providing for the material needs of the Church, each according to his abilities.

From the Canon: Can. 222

Can. 222 §1. The Christian faithful are obliged to assist with the needs of the Church so that the Church has what is necessary for divine worship, for the works of the apostolate and of charity, and for the decent support of ministers.

§2. They are also obliged to promote social justice and, mindful of the precept of the Lord, to assist the poor from their own resources.

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I went to mass tonight, since this morning I got up rather late.

I really cannot wait until I am able to take part in the Eucharist. It gets harder and harder every week. But I’ve been doing something else during that time, that’s been rather powerful for me.

I first read about spiritual communion here, but I don’t use the exact prayer posted there. I just say something impromptu, with pretty much the same idea. I just started doing this recently.

Today, after I did this, I just prayed for a bit. And then, I thought I should just rest in the presence of God.

Just as a few weeks ago, I really felt the presence of Christ in the Blessed Sacrament. His presence was so very real to me at that moment, and I wanted nothing more than just to rest in it. I asked for guidance, also, to know about the path I should go down.

This is one of the first times I’ve done this, so it wasn’t perfect, but it was great. I really feel like a veil is coming down between me and God, so that I can get ever closer to Him.

I was seeking guidance, but the only thing I think I felt/heard was, “I will guide you.” I couldn’t really argue with that. I felt like I was putting myself totally into the hands of God, resigning everything to Him.

The more I try to do this, the more I understand what that book I am reading, The Practice of the Presence of God, is talking about. It’s still very hard to keep in that frame of mind, but at least I am there sometimes.

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I’ve been reading more about different religious orders.

I’ve been trying to figure out whether I would want to be a diocesan priest, or either a brother or priest within a religious order. It’s a difficult decision, because there are so many religious orders that do so many different things and are involved in different ways. Some are cloistered, cut off from the world, while others try to help within the world, by helping the poor, teaching, etc.

A few weeks ago, someone mentioned they wondered whether I’d be interested in the Franciscans. I dismissed that, because I really wasn’t interested in a religious order at the time.

The more time goes on, though, the more I keep inadvertently reading about the Franciscans. I keep getting directed to their rules that they follow, and to information about the various orders.

So I decided to start doing a little research into it. It seems rather appealing.

The confusing thing is that there are three branches of Franciscans: Friars Minor, Friars Minor Conventional, and Friars Minor Capuchins. I’m pretty sure I’d prefer one of the first two, but I really have no idea yet.

So, I guess it could be seen as a refinement of the call I originally felt about a month ago, regarding priesthood. It’s still way too early for doing much about it, but at least I can look into my various options and learn more about them.

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I have finally started to do the liturgy of the hours. I started them yesterday.

At first, I thought it would be easier to read them in Braille, so I used my Braille display, but that took me nearly a half an hour to complete.

Then, I realized last night that it was much faster, and even easier, to recite them as I hear them through my screen reader.

I’m using Universalis. It doesn’t have everything, and not all translations are approved by the Church, but it seems other Catholics are using it as well from what I’ve heard, and it’s just my best option right now. They have software that you can download, that has all of the readings and prayers in it, for each day.

The only downside is that it doesn’t have all of the minor hours (Terce, Sext, and None). It only has the readings, so for now I’m just reciting the readings. Maybe I’ll learn the format and try to do that as well, but for now I’m not too concerned, as long as I have at least the morning, evening, and night prayers.

So, now I’m trying to make a habit of this, as well as several other things, as I’ve mentioned before. Yesterday, I did the Liturgy of the Hours, Evangelus, Divine Mercy Chaplet, examination of conscience, reading of the daily mass readings, and I started reading the Bible separate from that, starting in Genesis. I got eight chapters done yesterday. I still want to pray the Rosary every day.

Also, I’m trying to apply what I’m reading from The Practice of the Presence of God. I’m not done with the book yet, but there is quite a bit to think about and apply already. I’m working at it, but it is somewhat difficult. I will write more about that book once I’m done with it.

Of course, I’m still praying otherwise from everything else that I’m doing. I tend to pray quite frequently.

One problem that I’m having is that my prayer list is getting rather long. I have so many people to pray for that I fear forgetting some of them.

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Daily Reading

November 7, 2008

Friday of the Thirty-first Week of Ordinary Time

Reading 1

Philippians 3:17-4:1

We are to imitate St. Paul, as he imitated Christ (1 Corinthians 11:1). We have a model in the apostles. We should keep our focus on God, trying always to draw closer to Him.

This is in contrast to people in the world, who focus on earthly things. They are called the enemies of the cross (Philippians 3:18).

Philippians 3:21 says that Christ will “change our lowly body to conform with his glorified body.” However, this also reminds me that the more we draw close to God and follow Christ’s teachings and those of His Church, the more God will provide us with His grace in order to transform us, and to give us the strength to overcome sin.

Gospel

Luke 16:1-8

This is a parable of a dishonest steward, who cheated his master. When he was threatened with having his stewardship being taken away, he called the clients of his master, and allowed them to take away the portion of their payments that would go directly to him. In that way, he regained the favor of his master.

We all make mistakes. However, this parable reminds me that if we take responsibility for our mistakes, and try to correct them, which may even require sacrifice from ourselves, then, we can regain favor despite them. We should humble ourselves before God, being sure never to be too proud to admit our shortcomings.

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I really have felt guided by the Holy Spirit lately, just in so many things. Things have been working out wonderfully, and I have been learning so much.

Specifically, I have noticed a pattern when I have questions about something regarding the Church. Usually, I look up any questions I have, but sometimes I think of something, and then forget it until another time.

Well, several times for the last few days, I have been reading, and then notice that whatever I was reading had just answered a question I thought of a day or two before. When that happens, I get such a weird yet wonderful feeling that God is with me, always, and is guiding me. I usually exclaim, “Thank you, God!”

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I found this excellent prayer today for humility.

It goes as follows:

O Jesus, meek and humble of heart, Hear me.

From the desire of being esteemed, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being loved, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being extolled, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being honored, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being praised, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being preferred to others, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being consulted, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being approved, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being humiliated, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being despised, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of suffering rebukes, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being calumniated, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being forgotten, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being ridiculed, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being wronged, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being suspected, Deliver me, O Jesus.

That others may be loved more than I, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be esteemed more than I, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That, in the opinion of the world, others may increase and I may decrease,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be chosen and I set aside, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be praised and I go unnoticed, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be preferred to me in everything, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

Source: EWTN.

I really need help with humility, so I will be praying this.

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